More Turkey, Toned Thighs & Mad Magicians.

It's here. Turkey-Day. Been talking about it all week (well actually that would be last week) and now its finally upon us.
The weird thing is I'm not even in the mood for turkey. I think I overdosed on the All-Star Thanksgiving special on Food Network...I mean how was I possibly supposed to resist Paula Dean, hottie Giada, Emeril and Alton Brown in one room! Not to mention Tyler and Ray. Oh boy! I feel like I ate two pies already.
But you know...tomorrow is a new day. New day, new appetite I say. I even baked my own pie to bring to the party. Ok maybe not baked...assembled? That still counts for something right?

I hope you watched the Madonna concert on ABC tonite. If you didn't and loserishly didn't make her concert either this summer, you just go crawl under a rock OK. See I watched the concert live (read my post) and then watched it again today with just as many goosebumps. This woman just rules. The strength in her body is phenomenally humbling. Good thing I brought my yoga mat home this weekend I say. If yoga does that...I'm in. Must watch the concert-they will be showing re-runs on Bravo I believe. The intermittent and nuaseating Holiday commercials are cumbersome but this is what you get when you don't shell out $450 for a front-row ticket.

One of those commercials really caught my attention though. Target. I love Tarjayyy and their commercials are so cool and classy (quite unlike the in-store experience of course) but this one had David Blaine in it. The man's a nutter. He almost just died from floating in a giant fish bowl at Lincoln Center for over a week! And now the crazy dude has suspended himself over Times Square, in some spinning contraption and has to free himself by 6 a.m. on Friday so he can take 100 disadvantaged children on a shopping spree to Target.

Say what?

I don't even know which part of that sentence to double-back on. Ok so when I read it in the paper this morning I thought how charming the crazy dude is putting his craziness to good use. After his last few stunts, we were beginning to think all he cared about was bringing attention to himself and that he's so ego-centric. (Please note sarcasm here.) How glorious David. Charity darling. But thennnn. When I saw the Target ad with the crazy himself promoting the stunt and the closing shot with Target promoting it's 2-day sale "starting Friday at 6 a.m." I was like a-ha! That David Blaine has sold himself to the commercial Devil. Oh red Devil thy name is Target!

Just Google David Blaine and tell me the first thing you see. Yep, its Target, search optimized and ready to rumble.

I clearly need some sleep.

Sale or no sale I do hope he makes it out before 6 a.m. Are they going to just let down 100 under-priviliged kids if crazy dude fails? Dammit. Just when I thought I wouldn't be tossing and turning over missed 'early-freakin' bird' deals at 5:30 a.m. now I have a hundred kids and a crazy dude to worry about. Just super.

Hungover Mondays.

Big news this weekend, successful missile launch by India, TomKat finally tied the knot and held a three-minute long 'you may now kiss the bride' kiss. Oh wait, do scientologists say that? Oh and the FDA lifted the ban on silicone breast implants. Lovely!

But till I have time to pull it all apart (this is a short and therefore highly compressed week) here is a somber note to start your week. Naaat. (Somebody stop me.)
From a dear friend. It was nothing personal. Just a random forward. Promise.

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

Masala Popcorn 6...oh dammit I can't keep count anymore!

I thought I was sheer genius when I discovered the art of ice cubing.
Let's face it. I am.

Like many other cooks who wish they would cook more often than they actually do, I struggle with spoiled produce and having to chuck things away. One of the worst things is canned tomatos and tomato puree. I mean those things just don't come in single-serve sizes do they? Quite the opposite. In a major conspiracy against non-Italian mama's, tomato canning companies have decided to let us have it.
Anyway.
I found myself doing a significant amount of smushed tomato chucking (while green and red are a fantastic color contrast, it just doesn't work when the green is mold) until my friends...I discovered the art of Ice cubing!
Yes pour that remaining sauce into an ice tray and you have tomato cubes conveniently waiting to be tossed into any recipe! They thaw in the microwave in mere seconds or you can toss them directly into the pan. Bellisimo!

It gets better. Hate throwing out good wine that someone criminally forgot to finish? We all know you can't leave a bottle of wine open for more than 2-3 days at the most. Leftover wine is perfect for cooking for up to a month after being opened. But wait! Pour into ice trays and freeze and those vino cubes can be used for up to 6 months! Fantastico!

Mondays are the new (Black) Fridays.

As Black Friday approaches us,(yes I'm obsessed with shopping) so does Cyber Monday. Cyber who?

Cyber Monday you dummy.

The day when 'the smarter, savvier shoppers' who know better than to stand in line and roam the streets at 5 a.m (ahem) get busy punching in their own damn credit card digits. No crazy ladies huffing and puffing as they press up against you in line, no bitchy salespeople refusing to accept your 10% off coupon and certainly no tug-of-war over the last pink cashmere sweater you don't even want in a size small. And don't even get me started on the schlepping of it all.

Cyber Monday shoppers are the non-comformists. The ones who decided to spend Friday recovering from OD'ing on Turkey and Pie and spending quality time with the kids at home (or in the bathroom). These are the ones who were too hungover to move and the ones who really get that a 'day off' means not waking up before noon. So while I'm lying there restless at 5 a.m reeling in pain over bargain-scorers scorning me (read prior entry please)...I know I have Cyber Monday. A day of hope. A day of reckoning.

After all, what better way to start a working week when you barely did anything the prior one? It's the Holidays and what good is uber-high speed Internet at work than if not for shopping. This is better than Two-times Tuesdays, Wet Wednesdays and Happy-hour Fridays (OK maybe I went too far there). This is the 'at the touch of a button world' we always dreamed of. At just a click away we can have it people. Nicely packaged boxes, gift receipts and crisp tissue wrapping or plastic heaven if you're ordering from GAP.

So don't depair. Don't feel anxious (like me)-- I have been assured that there will be good stuff left on Monday. Do you know that last year people spent $485 million on Cyber Monday in the U.S? Surely they aren't spending all that on leftover crap?Right? Right?

I say enjoy your Turkey Day in full throttle. Heck, eat that extra slice of pie even! Knowing you can rest your sleepy head and over-stuffed tummy the next day and still get grandma those isotonic slippers at $19.99 in time for Christmas just makes everything better.

'Tis The Season. Will that be Debit or Credit?

Everywhere I look I see Turkey. Honestly it's like when you cook a meal sometimes and you really just ruin your appetite...so that by the time it's down to eating what you made, you're just not into it at all. (If you cook you might know what I mean). Either ways they are ruining it for me. By the time Turkey days actually rolls around...one whole week from today, I will be so Turkey'ed out. Maybe not so chickened out but definitely Turkey'ed out. Thank goodness for sides and pie. I'm trying to not watch the Food network but I can't stay away.

Is it just me or does each festival, occassion, special day just get bigger and splashier every year? I mean it's Christmas in Starbucks already! The cups, the menus, plush Santa bears and even frosted Santa cookies. Stores like Macy's and Pier 1 have Christmas Trees and decorations all over. Hello. Wasn't the rule to turn Christmas on only after Thanksgiving? This is so stealing Thanksgiving's thunder. It's like the girls who wear knee high boots in September. Don't push the season honey.

So like I was saying, each year I think "OK this is as splashy and blitzy as it gets" and then the next year its even more. Valentine's Day, the Holidays, even Presidents day. So in your face all the time.
Clearly I watch too much television.

There is no escape. I swore to myself I wouldn't hit the "Macy's One Day Sale--lowest price of the season. Ever" and then today when I saw all these sensible old ladies from Queens lugging around their Macy's shopping bags I wanted to cry. I knew I was missing out on some crazy deal...like a 3 piece hot-pink luggage set for $39.99. Oh man. My restraint was commendable if I may say so. I didn't go. I missed it. I made myself miss it. Those toasters, the bed-in-a-bag thingies (who the $#&^%% buys a bed in a bag?) I missed it all.

It's like on Black Friday...the day after Thanksgiving when I toss around in bed at 5 a.m. thinking of all the deals people are scoring as I lie there uselessly. What will fellow bargain-scorers think of me? Will I go this year or will I toss restrainingly in bed while my credit card breathes a sigh of relief and Yuletide joy?
We shall see my friends. We shall see.

PATH peace unto all.

I might as well devote yet another post to America's Next Model. "Naaaaaat".
Man I loved Borat. Funny as hell. Still haven't gotten over that one scene though. You know the one. Hairy and round. There I said it.
Can't help but think of it every time I see Borat's face plastered in the media. The man is raking in millions offending innocent people and nations and I am considering therapy to get that one scene out of my head...this is the irony of life.

Naaat.

Something annoying happened to me today. Of course you want to hear about it.

I was on the PATH train going home and these two desis (Indians from India) were talking so damn loudly I wanted to slap someone. Oh why oh why hadn't I charged my iPod today. Serious regrets there. Here's the thing. First of all the PATH train is like the DTC (Delhi Transport Corporation) bus so all desis note: Hindi is not the secret language it used to be. About half the people on the train know what you're saying. Ok one-third. I forgot about the South Indians.

And I used to think that Indians talk so loudly, but then I realized Russians talk loudly too, no wait the Chinese are even louder but then my sister visiting from India pointed out that Americans talk really loudly...so I am no longer attributing that trait to race. "Some" people talk loudly. And these two desis were them. Loudly in crass Hindi. Not the nice genteel kind of Hindi but the real Delhi rickshaw kind.

One girl and one guy yacking away about the most insipid things. His new couch, the fact that she was starving and would he please give her a ride home and so on. She obviously had a huge crush on this guy ("champak" we would call him back home) and she hysterically giggled after each word he uttered..er yelled. Listen desi lady: everyone's going home, it's been a long day, we all just want a quiet moment to be able to stare at nothing in particular in peace. Turn down the volume will you!
Aaaargh. I have to admit I even glared at them a few times. I willed deeply for her to stop. Nothing. She just stared back at me one time and kept yacking. I wanted to yell "shut it" in Hindi so bad I had to bite my tongue to stop myself. One of these days...just watch me.

I have PATH train rage. Please be considerate of fellow passengers and buy yourself an iPod now.

Oh Anchal!

Ok when a show over-focuses on one person through the entire episode, it's no surprise they've had it. Ciao, sayonara, adieu, whatever. I'm talking about America's Next Top Model of course and our dear desi friend Anchal. Ok ABCD (American Born Confused Desi) to be more precise but there's a desi in there somewhere. I say somewhere because the poor girl wore blue contact lenses and was ashamed of her color growing up. Personally, I would attribute that more to Bollywood and the Indian obsession with fair skin than growing up in Homestead, Florida.

Let's focus on the 'C' in 'ABCD' for a minute. Confused, scared and insecure to be more precise. I wanted to slap some sense into this dusky beauty. Running off like a scared cat from each assignment is not the way to go. Especially with bitches like Melrose around. And boy did the show producers have fun focusing on her repeated "I can't do that", "I'm too fat", "I have no friends" bit. In tonight's show she didn't want to take her sarong off on the beach because she felt she was overweight. Listen honey, you shake 'em Indian hips and do your desi-ghee (clarified butter & Indian food staple) feeding mamma proud.

Ok have you seen Anchal's before shots? Oh you should. Looks almost freakish. She's come a long way but was clearly not ready to go all the way. It was sad to see her go on tonight's show, since I'm so patriotic and all but oh well she's 19...me thinks she'll grow up into a less confused ABD. Maybe even hit Bollywood sans blue contact lenses? Oooh that's a tough one.

Beauty & The Trashy Beast

Oh the words "irreconcilable differences" just make me tingle. Especially when it has to do with a pop diva and a trashy wannabe rapper. No I'm not talking about Whitney & Bobby....I'm talking trash of a paler shade: Britney and Kevin.

And just like with politics where we quickly forgive and forget, we are ready to embrace the new-found K'Fed'less Britney with her new blonde-again hair, sexy body and the promise of a new album next year. We will quickly forget the chubby, black-haired, I shop at 'Foxy Lady' about to drop her son any-second-now Britney, that has plagued the media for the last few years.

It was all Kevin-the- "toxic" loser's fault after all. Now that he's gone, we can believe everything will be ok again. Heck, we'll believe anything.

These two are almost like the Clintons.

Saddam's in for a hanging (word on the street says it's going to be a Holiday Hanging), Rummy's finally over and out (Hallelujah!) and the Dem's finally have a say (and something to say I'm hoping).
Stay tuned. These are good times.

This Ain't No Comeback Bitches!

Hi. I'm back.
Just when I was about to quit my frivolous blogging lifestyle, a friend asks me "why haven't you been blogging lately?' Dammit. I was hoping no one would notice.
How can I quit knowing that this one person is actually reading what I have to write? I wont be able to sleep at night. I have undertaken a responsibility I can't shrug off.

Jon Stewart of the famed Daily Show (which I adore as you may know) seemed to think so too last night. He was chatting with Jerry Seinfeld and asked him when Jerry thought he (Jon) could quit the show. Jerry said never...The Daily Show (TDS) is like the paper. "The New York Times isn't just going to get up and quit one day".

I was at a digital media conference the other day and they were talking about TDS replacing the news for so many young people. Then a smart panelist quipped that this simply isn't true...you cant understand and enjoy TDS unless you know the news. It's true. Although I have to admit -- everything I know about mid-term elections I learned from a cartoon on TDS last night. The gist of it being that mid-term elections are very useless.

I got a postcard from some dude this morning saying 'Stop Bush. Vote today'. Can someone please explain to me exactly how voting today is going to stop Bush from doing anything?
Mostly I try not to think about these things because I can't vote. Give me a Green Card and then we'll talk.

My. So much has happened in the world since my last post. I know, I know, I always say that. A lot has been going on with Jolie & Pitt in Pune by the way. A juicy tidbit...
My sister's head professor in a Pune Med school also heads the Association for Buddhist chanting (yes they have one) and apparently sat down with Angie for about 3 hours (alone mind you) chanting. Good stuff. Everyone is now asking him "Zolie la bhetla ka?" (did you meet Jolie..?) Maharashtrians (the State Pune is in is called Maharashtra..the capital of which is Bombay/Mumbai and the people are Maharashtrian and speak Marathi) cannot say 'J' they say 'Z' instead.
Trivial. Especially in the face of Britney splitting with K-Fed. What???? I'm reeling in shock.
And what is up with her popping up on David Letterman last night looking for Will Ferrel? Weird. But dude. The hot, blonde pre-trashy K-Fed days is back. Hurrah!
Oh this is going to be a fun blogging week!